When we think about what it’s going to take to relight the fire of passion in our relationship we often feel ourselves getting tired. I mean, this sure seems like it’s going to take an awful lot of work. Go buy a bunch of candles, make a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, get rid of the kids / turn off the phones, etc. This is not something that you can just do at the snap of the fingers. However, is it possible that we might be getting this all wrong? Could it be possible to restart the flames of passion in just 10 minutes?
A Plan Is Born
So I found myself in this very situation. I mean, I knew what I wanted to happen – I wanted to recapture that “start of the relationship” magic. However, my life was quite busy. I had a lot of stuff going on and so even though my heart was in the right place, the rest of my body never seemed to be there and so I couldn’t spend the day or so that I thought that it was going to take to pull off a passion restoration event.
You can imagine how sad I was. I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t know how to get it. I spent a great deal of time feeling frustrated. This all lasted until one day I thought to myself “is it possible that I could be taking small steps?” Look, if I couldn’t find the time to execute a big plan, then could I at the very least make some small steps in the direction that I wanted to go?
I’d like to say that this was a break though thought, but in all reality it was really a though of last chance desperation – I was all out of ideas. At any rate, I spent some time trying to determine just exactly how I could go about taking some small steps. A big problem was schedules. My partner and I live busy lives. Yes, we so spend some time together every day, but all too often we are ships in the night – I’m going one direction and she’s going in another. I needed to come up with a plan that was going to fit our schedules because there was no way that our schedules were going to change to fit my plan!
Executing The Plan
Days went by and when I could steal a few moments I spent them thinking about my predicament. The more that I thought about it the more that I realized that the only time that I could be assured that I would be spending time with my partner would be when we were in bed. I’d like to be able to tell you that my problem now switched to the challenge of trying to relight the fire of passion during bed based romps. However, as I’m pretty sure that you are well aware, the real challenge is that the shared bed is for sleeping and didn’t seem of offer any opportunities to do some fire starting (of the non-romp variety).
I had another challenge – my partner can race though the nightly toiletry ritual much quicker than I can. What this means is that by the time I’m done and crawl into bed, there is a very good chance that she’s already asleep! The first change that I had to implement was a new house rule: I would head off to bed 15 minutes before she was allowed to. This gave me a running start. I could now just about finish up at the same time she did and we’d both climb into bed at the same time.
Now comes the really big change: I told my partner that before she was allowed to start her nightly ritual of reading in bed in order to fall asleep, she had to spend 10 minutes talking to me. You can well imagine how well this went over! However, she grudgingly complied. What we both discovered is that by spending 10 naked minutes talking we started to rediscover what was going on in each other’s lives. We talked about what we had accomplished that day and what tomorrow was looking like. After a few days I added one more conversation topic: how many days had it been since we had last been intimate. No, we didn’t have to do anything about it, but there it was each evening out in front of us and neither of us wanted that number to get to be too large.
What All Of This Means For You
I suspect that your life is just as busy, hectic, and confusing as mine is. If you are looking for ways to rekindle the passion back into your life, you may be searching for ways to do a “big event”. Good luck to you if you can find the time and make the effort. If you are like me and despite having good intentions you just can’t find the time, perhaps it’s time to start to think about an alternative approach – taking smaller steps.
The most important thing is to take the time to study both you and your partner’s schedules. Where do you overlap? Passion is not going to get started if it’s just you sitting around by yourself. If it turns out that your greatest chance to spend time with your partner is when you are in bed, then make sure that you find a way to use that time. Just taking 10 minutes a day to talk is a great way to get things going.
Passion comes from understanding your partner. Understanding comes from taking the time to crawl inside of their head and find out what is going on. Ideally we’d all take an hour or two each day and spend it with our partner diving into deep topics. Since in most cases we simply don’t have the time to do this, seize the time that you do have and use it to gather and share the information that you’re going to need to rediscover that passion that was there at the start of your relationship.
– Dr. J
Question For You: Do you think that you have to have this talk every night or is just once a week enough?
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