When I think about sex, I think about things like cuddling, kissing, stroking and the intertwining of body parts. There always seems to be a soft light glowing on the scene that I’m picturing and pleasant music playing in the background. This is what sex is to me. However, I’m willing to admit that perhaps I’m missing a part (perhaps a big part) of the overall picture. I’ve read about those ladies who get paid to tie up and abuse guys and I’ve always sorta wondered what was going on there – do people really like this stuff? Lately I’ve started to realize that there might be a middle ground here that could be interesting to me – sexual power dynamics.
Who’s In Charge?
Ok, so I’m more than willing to admit it – my sex life is probably pretty much like everyone else’s – guy on top, girl on bottom. I’m in charge, I determine what we’ll be doing, when we’ll be doing it, and how long it’s going to go on. This all sounds really masculine but in all honesty is just the way that things have always been. It’s more of an agreed on way of doing things than some big power play on my part. Things have been like this since the early days in our relationship when during our initial dates I started to paw at her in an attempt to get her clothes off and eventually she let me do it. Our power dynamic was then established.
This was all well and good; however, as with all things I took in more inputs from my environment. I can’t actually say where I got my ideas from, porn is probably one of the key areas but I’d be willing to say that television shows, crime reports in the newspaper, and probably books that I’ve read all played a role. I found myself getting turned on when a woman was forced to do something that she didn’t want to do. It’s at this point in time that I think that I have to stop this discussion and clearly state that I am a big advocate of women’s rights. I think that women should make their own decisions, men should not intimidate them, the #metoo movement is probably long overdue, etc. However, with all that being said, I still have to confess to getting turned on when a woman is forced to do something sexually that she does not want to do.
In the porn firms that I’ve watched, this scenario always works out the same way. The struggling women who does not want to do something resists, eventually is forced to perform an act that clearly she does not want to do, does a great job of it, and eventually becomes a willing and skillful sexual partner. Let us all agree that this is not something that would ever happen in real life. However, in the world of fantasy it is a real turn on to me. Realizing that I was tuned on by this type of scenario was a big deal for me. I would never want to really hurt a woman or force her to do something that she did not want to do. However, in my fantasy it always started out rough and ended up as a loving sexual encounter. That’s what I wanted. I think that it’s ok to have these thoughts because I understand that they are only fantasy.
Once I started to have these thoughts, I did what any self-respecting sexual partner would do. I told my partner. What I told her was that I had been having thoughts about what we could do together. In fact, I had some very clear ideas about what we could do. I told her that I wanted her to kneel before me and give me a blowjob. I carefully explained that this was a complete power trip. Yes, I would enjoy the blowjob (duh), but what would really rock my world would be the rush that I would get from towering over her watching her pleasure me in a submissive pose. What blew me away was that after I explained all of this to her she said “sure, no problem – just make sure that I have something comfortable to kneel on”. Dang – I should have asked for this a long time ago!
Girl On Top
So if I can set up a sex scenario in which I get to play the true alpha male, this of course leads to the question of can roles be reversed. This is yet another thought that has been running through my head. What I think that a lot of ladies don’t realize is that when the guy is in charge, there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with that role. We have to spend time before anything starts to happen thinking about what we want to happen, we have to collect any props that may required, set the stage, and then spend time getting you in the mood in order to get you to agree to participate. Whew – talk about a lot of work!
Things can get interesting if we are willing to reverse roles with our partner. All of sudden we find ourselves in the passenger seat. Something is going to be happening, but we don’t know what it is. I can only speak for myself but I find that to be incredibly sexy. Not being the person who is running the show means that we have to do that thing that many can find very hard to do: give up control, surrender power. I’m able to do this fairly well. I am willing to admit that in the back of my mind I’ve got some things going on regarding what I would be doing if I was in control, but since I’m not in control I can keep it under wraps.
In my case, letting my woman take control means that the evening is going to be all about what she wants to do. Yes, I have grand hopes that I’ll be able to get my own personal release at some point during the events, but I also realize that that comes second. What I really want to have happen is for her to have a good time taking the leash. I am pleased to be able to report that her satisfaction is a big turn on for me. The more that she does and the more that she assumes control, the more excited I become. No, we don’t take it the New York City dominatrix level by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, what we do is really probably pretty tame by most people’s standards. However, the key is that she is in control and how the evening proceeds is under her direction. She enjoys it and I enjoy seeing her be happy.
Power Is An Aphrodisiac
As always, no – I don’t have all of the answers. However, what I have started to understand is that power is a critical part of having sex. When we are giving ourselves to someone else, the question of who is in control and what they are doing with that power can have a powerful sexual impact on us. Allowing the other person to boss us around can be a turn on just as much as taking charge and telling them what to do.
As with all such things in life there are boundaries. We need to be very careful and understand how our partner responds to power when it comes to sex. Do they want to be told what to do, will they do it, how will they feel afterwards? Are they willing to assume control and tell us what to do? How will being in charge make them feel and will they be willing to give it up once the sex play is over?
Let’s consider power to be the ultimate sex toy. Invite it into your next intimate encounter. Take it, give it, use it. While all of this is going on, listen to what your body and your mind are telling you. What do you like – being told what to do, telling someone what to do, or both? Having a better understanding of what turns you on is always a good thing. If you can also learn what turns your partner on, then you will have found the secret to an even better sex life!
– Dr. J.
Question For You: If you give power to your partner, do you think that you need to have a way to take it back if things start to get out of control?
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What We’ll Be Talking About Next Time
Ah, the bed. So much promise is contained by it when we go to bed each evening; however, how often is that promise fulfilled? Consider my situation just a while ago. I found that when my wife and I were going to bed, we’d both do the normal evening toiletry stuff and then we’d crawl into bed on our own sides, perhaps read for a bit, then turn the lights off and the evening was over. Nice, but not what I’d really call intimate.