What To Do When Sex Becomes Boring

Don't let your sex ever become boring – take action!
Don’t let your sex ever become boring – take action!
Image Credit: Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

So shall we talk about your sex life? I don’t mean to get to personal, but how is it going? Lots of us can think back to when our relationship with our partner was new and we have very pleasant memories of having sex with them – the first time, the first time that we did something new, the first time we did it in a new place, etc. However, then things changed.

How Sex Becomes Boring

So look, I like sex, you like sex, how the heck could sex ever become boring? Well the good news for us is that I don’t think that it actually does become boring. However, what does happen is that it becomes repetitive. Think back to the first time that you were intimate with your partner. You had no idea what they liked, what they wanted, or if this was going to be a good or a bad experience. You were, to say the least, nervous.

However, you powered through it. You took your time, you were careful, and you were tuned to how they were feeling so that you could detect if you were doing something wrong. The good news is that you ended up doing more things right than you did wrong and that’s why your partner was willing to get intimate with you again. Yea!

Now move forward in time to today. How are things going in bed for you? If you are like most of us, things have probably become routine. Hmm, “routine” now that’s an interesting word. What does it really mean here? Well, let’s think about it for a moment. When the two of you agree that tonight is a “sex night”, what happens then? A little embracing? Then he does something? Then she does something? Then you do something together? Then you say good night? Ouch – I’m not actually going to call that boring because sex is involved and I believe that sex can never be boring, but it sure does look like it is getting pretty close to being more of the same.

How To Make Sex Not Boring

So if this is what your sex life looks like currently, then clearly there is some work to be done here. First off, let’s have a chat about which one of you knows that there is a problem. Is it just you? Or do both you understand that there is something missing? Before we can fix your sex life, I think that we need to come to an understanding of just exactly what do you want? I have a phrase that I like to use. I call it “circus sex” and it refers to the times that you have sex in which you use trapezes, circus rings, and hoops of fire to jazz things up. You know the times that I’m talking about. Circus sex does not happen that often, but boy-oh-boy is it memorable when it does. As much as I enjoy circus sex, neither I nor my partner have the energy to put on that kind of performance very often.

If you can’t have circus sex every night, then what do you want? I think that I speak for most of us when I say that what we’d really like to be able to do is to go back in time and recapture how we felt when the relationship was just starting out. Remember way back then when you spent all of your time thinking about your partner? When you remembered the things that you had done the last time you were together and anticipated what you would be doing next time? Those were good days. When we talk about making sex exciting again (or at least not boring), what I think that we are really saying is that we’d like to find ways to recapture what we once had.

So how are we going to go about doing this? Well guess what – it’s actually fairly simple. The problem with your sex life right now is that it is too “spur of the moment”. You’re getting ready for bed, you turn to your partner and you say “How about if we do it tonight?” They shrug and you do it. This is where your problem is starting. What you need to do is start to build some anticipation. I’m not sure when the best time is, but probably the night before you are going to have sex you need to sit down with your partner and say “Let’s have sex tomorrow night.” Just to keep things interesting, you need to add something to make this event different. An example would be “Let’s have silent sex – neither of us can say anything at all while we are having sex.” Try it – it’s harder than you might think. Or you could suggest a role playing theme. Or bring a new toy to bed. No matter what, giving your partner the time to get ready for what you want to do is going to make it interesting and fun again. When the evening finally rolls around you will both be in the mood and that can make for some pretty good sex.

What All Of This Means For You

Sex, sex, sex – who doesn’t like it? As much as we may enjoy having sex, if we are not careful then over time what used to be fun and exciting can slide into something that has become routine and, dare I say it, a bit dull. Since you still love your partner and you want to share that special bond of intimacy with them that you can only get through sex, it’s up to you to find out how you can transform your sex life from routine into something special.

The good news is that changing how both of you view having sex is actually fairly easy to do. What you need to do is to start to set the stage for sex long before you are actually going to be having it. You want to whisper in your partner’s ear that you are hot for them and tomorrow evening you want to have sex with them. You also want to tell them that there is going to be something special about the next time that you have sex. Some theme, toy, activity, etc. that will make this love making session something that you’ll be talking about for the next couple of weeks. Yes, even “oh my, we should never do that again” is good because you are both thinking about what you did. That’s what we want to happen. Build up some anticipation about your next sexual encounter and you’ll discover that you’ve been able to chase the boring away from your sex life.

– Dr. J.

Question For You: How often do you think that a couple should go all out and engage in “circus sex”?

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What We’ll Be Talking About Next Time

When we are trying to seduce our partner once again, we often have a goal in mind. We’ll know that we’ve been successful in seducing them if we can find a way to get them into bed. Fantastic – I like having a clearly stated goal just as much as the next person. Umm, however, there may be a problem here. The problem pops up when you think that the way that you see the world is the same way that your partner sees the world. In order to seduce them, they have to eventually want to be seduced. In order to get them into bed, they eventually want to get into bed. What are you going to do if they don’t see the world the way that you do?

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